父母（Parents）≠ 家长(Family Chief) Parents ≠ Dictators

父母在孩子成长中的角色
父母（Parents）≠ 家长(Family Chief)

鞠宾 作， 陈凯 英译 3/29/10

Parents’ Roles in Rearing Their Offspring
Parents ≠ Dictators

By Ju Bin Translation by Kai Chen 3/29/10

www.kaichenblog.blogspot.com

常常有父母抱怨“孩子小，不懂事，也不知道他到底想要什么（或想干什么）？”也有人问，做家长的要怎样才能培养小孩的独立个性，使其健康成长呢？的确，这些都是做父母的常常为此而苦恼的问题，下面我想就父母亲在家庭，在孩子的成长过程中的角色，谈谈个人的体会和看法。

We often hear sayings such as “my kids are too young to understand anything, so I don’t take them seriously”. We also hear questions as well such as “What do I do to make my children independent with a healthy mindset?” Indeed, these are important issues for us parents. I only want to talk a bit here about my own opinions on these important issues of parenting.

1. 做父母 、 朋友、 知己，不做家长
1. Be a parent, a confidant, a friend, not a dictator

首先，是“家长”这个概念，家长一词是我们中国文化中特有名词，意为一家之长。换句话说，是家中的“领导”，这也许是来自于传统文化中的等级观念。中国人一生中都是求官的，读书是为了做官，吃苦也是为了有朝一日能出人头地。在外谋生未获官衔，回到家乡至少是一个官——家长，家长在家里的领导也是至高无尚的。孩子们也只有服从的地位。所以有了家长制，家庭中就没有平等与民主的概念。

First, I want to clarify the term in Chinese “Jiazhang”(“Family Chief” when translate Chinese word “parents” into English). “Family Chief” is a unique Chinese concept/expression for a parent which means also “the head of the family”. This is from the traditional Confucian mindset to classify a society into a hierarchy, no matter where and whom. The highest aspiration for a Chinese is to be a governmental official. Education itself is aimed at climbing an official ladder in society. Working hard is also for the same purpose. If one hasn’t achieved such goal in society, at least he/she can be “the chief of the household” – also an official sounding title, at home. With such a title, his/her authority at home will never be questioned or challenged. As for the children, they are only some subordinates or even viewed as a burden in such a family hierarchy. Their role is to obey and be fed, nothing else. So the harmful effect of inequality has been established first firmly at home, and then spread to all aspects of society – an authoritarian/dictatorial society since the beginning of the Chinese civilization.

在英文字典里是没有家长这个单词的，但我们却把parent翻译成家长。英文parent是指父母以及长辈。但我们中国人常常认为父母就是家长。自古以来就是这么认为，是毫无疑问的！我想告诉大家，这是完全错误的观念，我们必须重新认识，父母与家长两个不同的概念。父母是辈份上的关系，而家长是一个等级关系，父母需承担的是长辈的责任与义务，而家长却是权威与管制的职能关系。两者同样享有权威，但父母的权威是建立在对孩子爱的基础上，而家长的威权是绝对和无条件的。所以，我常对身边的朋友说，我们应该用父亲、母亲来代替“家长”一词，这样从认知上可以对家庭有新的、更深刻的认识，并搞清父母在孩子成长中的重要角色。

In contrast, there is no such concept of “Family Chief” in English language. There is only a term “parents”. Parents only means “father and mother of a child”, nothing else. It does not imply a social hierarchy of inequality. This is exactly opposite of the Chinese term “Family Chief”. We Chinese have always followed such terms with the implied negative meaning in them. We have never questioned the values (or anti-values) in such terms. Now I want to tell everyone: “Family Chief” is a toxic term that has poisoned the relationship between parents and children since the invention of the Chinese language. We must realize that being a parent is not about being a chief in a family. Being a parent is not about giving orders and commands to your offspring all the time. Being a parent means to establish a loving relationship with your children and to guide them morally and spiritually, not at all to establish a dictatorial authority in the family to satisfy some sick power urge of the parents. So I suggest from now on we should use the Chinese term “father and mother” to replace the poisonous term “Family Chief”. With such a replacement, maybe we can relearn about the roles parents play in their children’s lives.

2. 尊重 鼓励 赞赏
2. Respect, Encouragement, Appreciation

在Steve Nash（纳什）联盟的篮球俱乐部，绝大多数都是在本地长大的孩子，与我们在国内俱乐部的孩子差不多的年龄。他们同样接受大致相同的篮球训练。但孩子们的表现及反应都是各不相同的。正像有的父母提到的那样，我们的孩子缺乏独立性和进取心。在国内长大的孩子，他们往往在学习的时候非常认真，对自己的要求也看的很严。但在比赛中，却不知如何去运用。在平时练习时，他们对技术动作的规范，抓的很细，练的也很认真，听话。但就是一到场上，就不知道要干什么？怎么做？只有当你去提醒他，告诉他如何如何做时，他们才会照着你说的去做。(这也就是为什么以前我在和我们的教练员开会的时候提醒大家的，教练不要把所有的细节及运用时机交代的太过于“细致”，这样会导致我们的孩子不再有自己的思考。不用动脑筋，好像除了老师说的，学习及运用技术就再也没有别的发展和想象的空间。）而在加拿大本地的孩子在学习的过程中，常常有一些并不专心，尤其是一些技术性较强的练习，会表现的没有耐心，有时还会有些耍闹的淘气现象。可他们在比赛时却往往表现出超出平时练习时水平及能力。他们积极、主动，决不放弃每一次机会去表现自己。

In Steve Nash Basketball Club (Canada), most participants are native born children. But age wise they are similar with the children in a basketball club in China. Their training in basketball skills is also similar. But the reactions from the children and the results are quite different. Some people have already observed: Children in China’s clubs lack independent thinking, spontaneity, initiatives as well as competitiveness. Children from China often are hard workers. They listen very intently and follow the coach’s instructions studiously. Yet when it comes to the real competition and games, they don’t know how to think for themselves in an independent and creative way. They have no idea how to apply what they learn in practice. They are champions in practices, but losers in competitions. In a game, they seem to stand around like chess pieces to be placed by the orders of the coach. They know how to obey, how to please, how not to offend. But they don’t know how to lead, how to cooperate, how to achieve results. In training our coaches (in Chinese club), I often stress not to tell what a player should think and do, but how a player should think and do with reason, creativity and spontaneity. But I have yet to achieve desired results. In contrast to children in Steve Nash Club, I often observe some kids not as obedient, some even with certain arrogance and impatience in following coaches’ instructions. But when it comes to competition, they often exhibit spontaneity, initiatives, creativeness and high degree of competitiveness. They are active, not passive. They are expressive, not stoic. They are alive, not half-dead.

我也常常与本地孩子的父母交流，我发现他们对孩子的成长投入的关心、关注与我们国内父母们都是有差异的。

I often talk to the parents of Steve Nash Basketball Club. I have found some rather alarming contrast between them and the Chinese parents.

首先，他们对学校、俱乐部、老师、教练都有一套自己的评估或认识。这种评估或认识是根据自己的孩子具体需求而产生的。对成长环境也不一样，是随着孩子的成长特定阶段（时期）而作出的选择，尊重孩子的想法与需要，尽可能去满足他们的选择，并达到他们的期望。

First, the parents themselves are all independent thinkers and observers. They all have their own individual opinions regarding the club management, teachers, coaches, etc… Their independent assessment and opinions are based on the specific, unique characters of their own children. They are keenly aware the stages of their children’s development. They make decisions according to these stages and the unique characters of their own children. They act as their children’s teachers, guides and care takers, not as their dictators.

Nicolas和 Max都是今年上7年级的男孩子，Nicolas比较活跃，Max却有些内向。他们分别在不同的俱乐部里，都有5-6年的Hockey（冰球）经验，可现在他们都迷恋上了篮球。Nicolas的妈妈说，她儿子打6年级起就开始迷上了篮球，为了能练习打篮球，不仅放弃了6年的冰球，而且他妈妈将他转到了另一个学校，也便更加方便地参加俱乐部的训练及比赛。Max的妈妈问我，Max在打冰球的时候非常的自信，动作连贯，为什么到打篮球的时候却显得有些力不从心。我告诉她，那是因为他基本功、脚步动作还有些问题，一旦他的基本功提高，他会很快适应篮球比赛的节奏的。因为他的身体素质非常棒，Max的妈妈非常满意我的解释与回答。

For example, Nicolas and Max are 7th graders. Nicolas is an extravert and Max an introvert. Although they are in different teams, they both have 5-6 years of hockey experience as a common background. But now they love basketball. Nicolas’ mother told me that Nicolas got into basketball since the 6th grade. He also gave up hockey for it. For a better access to his basketball interest, Nicolas’ mother even transferred him to another school. Max’s mother is also very involved in her son’s basketball. She once asked me why Max seemed a little lack of confidence since he shifted from hockey to basketball. When Max played hockey, he was very confident. I told her that it took time to develop Max’s fundamentals in basketball. Once he started to improve in his fundamentals, his confidence should come back for his physical ability is above average. Max’s mother was satisfied with my answer.

在我们俱乐部的每一次教学比赛或对外比赛，几乎所有的爸爸妈妈都会来，他们不时的加油、鼓励、呐喊、而绝无抱怨之声，即使是输掉了比赛。而且他们还常常在比赛休息间以及结束后与孩子们共同商讨比赛中的一些情况，就好像一个好朋友，知己，而孩子们从父母的积极态度中所得到的激励是不言而喻的。尤其是当比赛失败后，父母的宽容、体谅是孩子们在失落的时候最安全最温暖的港湾。他们不时的安抚他们，“孩子，你们做的很好，本来你们是有机会赢的，只差一点点，下次相信你们一定会更棒！”这些家长不仅给孩子加油、鼓励，而且给教练及工作人员都给与了赞扬及肯定。正由于这些孩子的父母积极的参与，使俱乐部呈现出一种良性的发展趋势，使你感受到这是个集体，这个集体会促使你每一个都认真的做你要做的事情，而且，会使你感受到你所做的事情是非常有意义的。

In our club team (Steve Nash Club), in every practice game or game against another team, all parents show up to support and encourage their own kids. Rarely do you hear complaints or negative comments, even when their kids do not play well or the team loses the game. The parents also participate in discussions with their kids about the game, just like teammates or friends. It is obvious that children feel a positive vibe when their own parents behave in such a positive way. When the kids do not play well, they also feel secure in their parents’ encouraging words. “Next time you will do better. Next time you may have a chance to win” is often what I hear. The parents’ positive parenting also gives the coaches and staff confidence and cooperation in the improvement of their work. Because of such a positive environment, contributed largely by the parents, the team members are constantly improving. Each team member feels the meaning of their own participation and the growth in their own physical, social and spiritual development.

3. 父母在家里也要讲民主、平等
3. Equality in Dignity at Home

在我们传统的家庭里，父母在谈到孩子们的选择时，总是会说，孩子还小，懂什么选择？做家长的必须为孩子作主，等孩子长大后自然会感谢自己的。也有的父母觉得，自己是孩子的父母，难道还能害了孩子不成？自己能做的一切都是为了孩子好，怎么还得尊重他的意愿？可是，事实上真的像父母所讲的那样吗？其实，从表面上看，父母是围着孩子转，但实质是孩子围着父母的意志去转。因为，父母们不是孩子的意愿放在第一位，尊重孩子的个性，人格，兴趣，使孩子有充分自己发展的空间。相反是把自己的愿望当成孩子的意愿强加到孩子身上。父母以为孩子什么都不懂，但实际上他们有自己的判断，也有自己的思想。如果做父母的一再强压，甚至是不惜武力迫使孩子就范，那将使孩子逐渐失去正常的思想、判断，从而慢慢丧失自信，及自我意识。那将是非常可怕的。

In a traditional Chinese family, when talking about children’s choices, most parents assert that they are too young to make a decision. They also assert that parents should choose for their own children with their (the children’s) best interest in heart. The children should grow up feeling gratitude toward their parents for these (parents’) choices. Since everything parents do is for the children, there is no need to respect the children’s will and dignity. But if you take a closer look, you will find the fact is the opposite: It is not that the parents have their kids’ best interest in heart; it is the parents who expect their children to have the parents’ best interest in heart. Without respecting the children’s will, unique character, special interest and dignity, the parents actually force their own will upon their children, putting undue burden on them. Some parents even resort to physical punishment on their children to achieve their own expectations for them. Long term effect of such a negative environment in such a family environment is extremely harmful. No wonder the Chinese children are afraid to make mistakes, afraid to initiate, afraid to stand up or stand out. Please think about your own behavior. What are you doing to your children?

父母的威信并不是传统意义上的孩子对长辈的绝对顺从，或者家长对孩子的支配，而是在平等交往的基础上，孩子对父母产生的一种积极配合的家庭关系。要做到这一点，首先要理解信任孩子，尽可能尊重孩子自己的选择和尝试，并给适当的指导和帮助。不能怕孩子犯错误，而强制孩子按大人的意愿行事。另外，父母还不能太在乎自己的“权威”和“面子”。每个人都有可能做错事，孩子不对时应耐心教导，自己做错、说错的时候也应该真诚给孩子道歉。这样民主，平等的对待孩子，反而会使得你能成为他们的好朋友，使孩子更加信任你，尊重你，更愿意与你沟通。而不要像有的父母那样“我是家长，我有权那样对待我的小孩”！

Parents’ authority should never be based on fear and obedience from their own children. Parents should earn respect from their own children with a positive attitude in their family relationship. Parents should do all they can to understand each child’s uniqueness, respect the child’s own choices and decisions from that unique character. Parents should guide and influence their children, not command or dictate their children. Parents should put their children’s dignity and respect above their own vanity and face-saving in front of others. Everyone makes mistakes, even the parents do as well. So be patient with your own kids, respect their own dignity and choices, and establish trust and communication among family members. And please do not act as a “Family Chief”.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks Greentree for your comments on my blog and a great poem. Keep in touch. Kai Chen

Greentree said...

Thanks for sharing this great article.

Dr Peck quoted in his book 'Further Alone The Road Less Traveled' - the finest words he thinks ever written about child-raising:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bow from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrow may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He Loves also the bow that is stable.

All the best,

Greentree